Eviction of the Forefathers from Hebron

Hebron-Past, Present and Forever
by David Wilder
Eviction of the Forefathers from Hebron

November 1, 1995

Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin, after making a special

whirlwind trip to Hebron, ordered General Ilan Biran,

Commander of the Central Region, to immediately evict the

Patriarchs and Matriarchs from Hebron. His orders come

on the heels of Arafat's latest ultimatum.

Here is what happened: One week ago, Arafat called

Rabin on the emergency Red Line and demanded an emergency

meeting. Rabin agreed on the spot. The next morning

they met on the Israel- Azza border. Arafat, pale and

shaking, revealed the results of a secret poll,

predicting that in the scheduled election, he, Arafat,

would receive less than one-third of the Palestinian

vote. According to the poll, almost fifty percent of the

Palestinians asked said that they were going to vote for

Shimon Peres for President of Palestine. According to

secret intelligence information, Peres, realizing that he

will never again be elected Prime Minister of Israel, has

agreed to accept the job of Palestinian President. An

overwhelming clandestine write-in campaign, (including

special classes in "how to write") has been conducted

over the past month, and the polls revealed the extent of

Peres' popularity.

Arafat, pounding his gun on the table, foaming at

the mouth, accused Rabin of an Israel-US plot to remove

him from power. Rabin, who has grown increasing fond of

Arafat since the beginning of the peace negotiations, was

sincerely shocked, and, according to very inside sources,

actually got down on his knees and begged Arafat's

forgiveness. He disavowed all knowledge of the Peres

takeover plan, and promised to do all in his power to

thwart it.

But Arafat wasn't satisfied with this response.

"Action" he demanded, "immediate action!"

Rabin: "Yassi, What do you want me to do?"

Arafat: "You must do something breathtaking - something

that will make me shine before my people."

Rabin: "For instance?"

Arafat sat silently, frowning. Then, suddenly his face

brightened. "I've got it!, " and he proceeded to outline

his plan. Rabin, stonefaced, expressed his doubts.

Arafat, pointing his gun at Rabin, screamed: "Do it, or

else you may find me running for the Knesset in a few

months time."

Shaking his gun at Rabin, he stalked from the room.

Rabin petrified at the thought of Peres becoming

President of Palestine, or of Arafat running for

Knessest, began to cry. "Yes", he thought finally, "he's

right. Hebron. It's time I got to the roots of the

matter.

Entering his car, Rabin ordered his driver: "Take me

to Hebron!" "Hebron" stuttered the chauffeur, "Hebron?"

And away they went. Neglecting to tell anyone where

he was going, Rabin found himself subjected to two

security checks as he entered the Caves of Machpela.

"But I'm Prime Minister," he growled to soldiers who

searched him bodily when the security buzzer beeped.

"Right, and you're going to visit Abraham. Tell us about

it," prompted a soldier. "How did you know - that's a

State secret," Rabin hissed.

Once inside, he was forced to use his special Prime

Minister's Pass to prove that he really is Prime Minister

of Israel. Ordering everyone out of the building,

including the Arabs (who refused to leave until Rabin

showed them the letter he brought from Yassir) Rabin

entered the Yitzhak hall, folded his arms, and called out

three times: "Avraham, Yitzhak, Ya'akov: APPEAR!"

And then it happened. Seemingly out of nowhere,

three old men appeared. One of them, speaking in a

condescending tone opened the dialogue: "How dare you

use my name - such a disgrace. I demand you change your

name immediately - perhaps to Nimrod." Another old man

yelled out: "And your wife, using my wife's name - such

an insult. She must change it too. Perhaps Delilah

would be fitting." The third man, the eldest of them

finally spoke: "Boys, boys, ssh ssh. Give him a chance

to speak his piece - ah, excuse me, peace, ah, nu, what

do you want?"

Rabin shrank back, but finding his voice, spoke

clearly. "The time has finally come to stop all this

nonsense. You don't know how much trouble you've caused.

All of these claims that Hebron is a Jewish city stems

from your claims to this place. Once you're no longer

here, there is no claim to Hebron. The Jews will stop

coming here in droves, and Hebron will no longer be

called the roots of the Jewish People - a `Jewish city'.

OUT! OUT!"

"But how can you do this to us? We've been here so

long? What right do you have?"

"Aha, you think I'm stupid. You think I don't know

anything? Well, greatgrandpa, you always claimed that

you wanted these caves because you found here the tomb of

the first man - Adam - right? Well, you remember what

happened to him - he got thrown out too. And if He could

throw them out, then why can't I throw you out too?"

The three old men looked at each other, embarrassed,

no answer on their lips. Rabin grinned a wicked grin.

"Tomorrow, you will leave, together with your wives. And

if there is anyone else here we don't know about, them

too. You will be presented with an official order,

handed to you in person by General Biran himself,

expelling you from the Caves of Machpela. You will not

be allowed within the city limits of Hebron, so you'd

better find yourselves an alternative site to stay

comfortable for a while." And with that, Rabin walked

out.

The next day, at exactly 9:00 AM, General Biran

entered the 2,000 year-old structure, order in hand. He

found the Patriarchs and Matriarchs ready, baggage and

all. Handing them the order he said to them, "after me"

and they all marched together outside. General Biran

motioned to a driver, who brought over a jeep. "Where is

your destination," he asked them poetically? "Thanks,"

they answered, "but no thanks. We haven't been out for

quite some time. We'll just stroll around Eretz Yisrael

for a while, if you don't mind."

And with that, packages in hand, the three couples

went walking off.