Monkey in the Cloud
April 29, 2002
April 29, 2002
Shalom and welcome to this evening’s UN version of News Tonight, brought to you by the internationally known conglomerate, “My Monkey in the Cloud”.
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And now to the UN’s version of news tonight.
UN secretary general, My monkey in the cloud, oh, ah, excuse me, coffee in the cloud, oh no, excuse me, Kofee Anan, held a press conference earlier today, in which he presented the UN position concerning latest events in the Middle East. We now switch to our Mideast correspondent S.H. Muk Pheres for the report. S.H. Muk Pheres, take it away.
Earlier today, the secretary general spoke very humpity dumpity about picking up the pieces in the Middle East. Here is a summary of his speech.
As you know, several weeks ago the UN General Assembly Council for Arab Security (in short, GAC-AS) sent a special task force to Student Terrorist’s University in Jenin (in short, STUJ), to study the effects of mixed explosive chemicals on the human body. The expedition was led by Professor Asser Abu Amar, who holds the chair of anatomy at the University of Gazza. Other appointees included internationally known explosive experts, Drs. Rujub and Dahalan. Dr. M. Bar Ghuti was scheduled to attend also, but was inconveniently tied up. The final member of the panel will remain unnamed for obvious reasons, but will be known as “The Engineer, Junior.”
The group enjoyed an uneventful flight to STUJ, while reviewing the latest rendition of the powerful movie, “Bombs Away.” Due to the fact that the university grounds were cordoned off, the elusive panel crawled through a secret underground tunnel, reaching their destination bloody and muddy, ready for work.
Following consultation with STUJ’s student body it was quickly decided to forgo theoretical study, preferring to examine the results of authentic fieldwork. Once the concoction was quickly prepared, a debate ensued as to how and where it should be tested. Asserting his authority, Professor Asser Abu Amar’s opinion was decisive, belting it out to his fellow compatriots. Respecting the sensitivity for their neighbor’s religious preferences, it was decided not to use Guinea Pigs, rather real people.
The results were dynamite. Professor Asser Abu Amar was able to report back to the UN GAC-AS that the experiments were a resounding success. During the experiments, of course, there were unfortunate but necessary casualties amongst the native population. Also, the walls of a number of buildings collapsed, burying alive a number of the GAC-AS consultants and assistants. This was considered to be the price to be paid for the explosive success. However, being that the experiment victim’s did not fully cooperate with the task force, it was decided to blame them for the accidental deaths, thereby relieving Professor Asser Abu Amar and his co-workers from any blame.
The special STUJ task force studying the effects of mixed explosive chemicals on the human body reached the following conclusions:
1. Uncooperative victims can cause inefficiency.
2. Uncooperative victims must be blamed for all casualties.
3. The victim is always to blame.
These conclusions were immediately accepted by the UN Secretary General and it was decided to pass a GAC-AS resolution denouncing the victims.
Following his statement, the GAC-AS Secretary General allowed questions:
First Question: Mr. GAC-AS Secretary General, how do you condon the killing of innocent victims?
Answer: The victim is never innocent. To the contrary, he is always guilty. That is why he is to blame. If he wasn’t guilty, he would not be a victim.
Second Question: Mr. GAC-AS Secretary General, it was reported that some of the above-noted experiments were carried out on people sleeping in their beds, including women and children. How do you define their blame?
Answer: That is a very stupid question. The answer is simply that they are at fault for having been asleep. If they had not been asleep you would not have been able to ask such a question. Had they been awake, they would have been just as responsible for their fate as are others. It makes no difference if they were women or children. It is their fault.
Third Question: But Mr. GAC-AS Secretary General, if the women and children are considered to be the legitimate participants in the STUJ task force experiments for effects of mixed explosive chemicals on the human body, bringing about their deaths, how are they to blame for the walls falling down on the task force members?
Answer: That is a ridiculous question. Everyone knows the answer. Because they are the provocateurs. Need more be said?
Fourth and last question: Mr. GAC-AS Secretary General, what must be done to prevent catastrophes such as this in the future?
Answer: This a question is a real dud. We must do away with the victims. If there are no more victims then, obviously, the victim will no longer be at fault. If the victim is not at fault then, obviously, there can be no wrong-doing. Doing away with victims will make the world a safer place. This is the solution to bringing peace to the world. If there are no more victims there will be no more aggressors. The victims are to blame. This is the major conclusion reached by Professor Asser Abu Amar’s task force. We hope to immediately implement the conclusions.
This is S.H. Muk Pheres, reporting for the UN version of News Tonight.
With blessings from Hebron.
This is David Wilder